Thursday, December 20, 2007

Why does thinking about my birthday make me sad?



I was doing morning pages earlier. From this early morning brain drain writing came today's blog entry. When I wrote that my birthday, December 24th, was only 4 days away, I started feeling those old sad feelings I've always had around my birthday. It came to me that I might want to examine on paper some of my age old beliefs from when I was young. I really want to see if my beliefs then are what they are today. So I did a belief system inventory. Here is what this belief system inventory turned up:

My beliefs about my birthday are:

• people won’t make a big deal no one will remember I won’t get what I want
• It will be trouble for others
• They won’t know how to make a party for me
• I’ll be disappointed
• I’ll feel alone
• Unimportant
• No one will notice it’s my birthday
• No one will care it’s my birthday
• It is MY day
• They won’t make my day a big deal
• They are too busy
• “let’s combine "it" with Xmas”
• Who cares
• I don’t really want anything
• what I really want is too expensive
• they won’t find what I want
• It’ll be too hard for them to find “it”
• they’ll get the wrong thing

I felt bad seeing all these beliefs. I see how needy and insecure I was.

How do I feel about my birthday these days? It's just another day. Now every day is a big deal. I think my birthday, Xmas holidays etc, all of these times just make me sad because I remember my parents and miss them terribly.

A number of years ago I realized every November I started to get depressed. Come January that depression left. Once I realized this pattern I made the decision that I was no longer going to participate in the holidays like I used to. I treat the holidays just like any other day. Every day is a holiday. Every day is a birthday. No big deals anymore. Just one big deal. I'm alive and I'm very happy.

Happy Day!

6 comments:

Joanna said...

Stunning Beauty...inside & out!

gottago said...

Thanks Joanna. I was 20 or 21 when this photo was taken.

Since we moved to the desert, I haven't been able to locate my early childhood photos. I'll have to go to storage and find them.

I wanted to post a photo of me around 4 or 5 years old.

Love,

Linda

Karen said...

I love this picture! How beautiful you are!

much love to you!

J J said...

The early beauty foretells the later one. Wonderful photograph. Hey, Linda, a lot of people get down on these days. Tomorrow night is the longest of the year. I guess that's not news. Anyway, you have a right to your birthday being special. I tell everyone about my birthday. What a wonderful idea - to post that picture.

I watched the 2005 PCT DVD last night. I kept seeing purple bandanas!

I love it. The verification word today is "ugyfrdg". Where do they get these?

Sandi said...

Linda

What a wonderful photo. You are beautiful.
I am remembering our first year of friendship 1987. I wanted to let you know you were important to me. I wanted to make your birthday a big deal and show you we cared. Jerry I had a Birthday celebration dinner for you and your Father at the Fine Affair restaurant in Brentwood,CA.. I love the memory of that night. I love you, Sandi

Anonymous said...

Dear Linda,

That is an amazing picture of you. Thanks for sharing the picture and your beliefs. You were right. We do have a lot of the same beliefs about birthdays. Thank you for being the amazing example that you are and continuing to have such great awareness in your life. I love you so much.

Love, Quincy

P.S. the pictures of you and Ray on your birthday are great as well. you both look so happy!