Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Woohoo! Stat counter hits 10,000 views.

I started this blog September 23, 2007. Today the stat counter reads 10,000 hits. I must say I am surprised and delighted that you would find what I choose to blog interesting enough to come back and follow along on a consistent basis. Thank you. I’m sure many of you have no idea about the fear I’ve always had of others reading my writing.

The first time I ever had the courage to allow my writing to be viewed online was when I hiked the PCT in 2002. I hand wrote daily trail journal notes every night. In towns I mailed off the notes to my sponsor Debbie, who typed up and posted them to a website I started just for the hike. I was terrified everyone would find out I was a terrible writer. My motive for writing and posting these online trail journals was twofold: First, to keep all my friends and family apprised of my whereabouts and happenings. Second, to help future hikers like previous online backpacker’s journals had helped me. I was ok after a while knowing others were reading my journal entries because this writing was for a purpose while hiking.

I first started keeping another online blog, not this one, (just for fun – i.e. – for no purpose) It was December 11, 2004 when I started this secret online blog. No one knew about it. The blog was for my eyes only. I still had way too much fear of what others might think to allow anyone to read my thoughts on the page.

Then on September 23, 2007 I started this current blog you are reading.

Recently went online and took a peak at that old private online journal, the journal I kept before this current blog. I found the last entry I wrote on that site before I changed over to this public blog journal.

Here is a portion of the last entry I wrote at 10:32pm, June 20th, 2007:

I'm almost 20 years in my program. The 2nd step suggests I come to believe in a Power greater than myself.

This next year I have high hopes I will experience physic changes as the result of possibly seeing some pretty ugly embarrassing things about myself. I'm hoping I’m on my way to finding and relying on a Power greater than myself. Then, I do want to try and live according to how this Power wants me to live.

I'm tired. Tired of trying harder. I want to learn to relax, learn to enjoy my life, not try harder to be better, do more-All so you will think I have value.

I'm done trying to make you see me a certain way so I will feel accepted or feel I have worth…….. So I'll feel ok with myself and you. This over dependence on what you think of me is exhausting and it’s none of my business. I have to keep raising the bar in what I do to impress you.

Here's my pledge: from now on - what I think of me is all I'll care about……. From today on and forever.

Fun. That's my ideal for living. To learn to have fun and relax. What do I want, what do I think, how do I feel?

Do I like and enjoy my choices in a day? Am I doing something because I believe I'm expected to do it? Am I doing it because I want to, for me, or for you? If for you, is it a good motive, is it to be helpful and to give...or is it a bad impress so you'll like me and want to be around me...

I'm so done thinking about how I come off to you on a daily basis so I'll feel ok. Done.

Really done.

Well, something has happened since this writing in the private journal entry in 2007. I do feel freer. Less self conscious. Believe I deserve. Know what’s good about me. Worry more about what I think. And………I believe a lot of this change I feel in myself is the result of doing what I’m afraid to do, like writing in this daily blog.

One day at a time, I’ve written. I‘ve posted my photography work. I have no secrets. You see it all on the page. I’m not hiding anymore and the sky hasn’t fallen. Actually, I’ve never had more self esteem and less fear. Who’d have thought change would come as the result of doing the things I fear.

Thank you readers. Thank you so much for your kind words, continued support, compliments and fun comments.

Much love and gratitude,


p.s. During my morning walk, wearing 2 layers of fleece and full rain gear in this atypical strong rain we are having, I took the photo above. Look at the view of our condo from the other side of the lake in the photo. What a great place we live in.

1 comment:

Joanna said...

wow, what a perfect example of your insides not matching your the time I have known you I would have never guessed you had the same feelings as I. Your posting is timely for what I have been experiencing, I thank you (one more time) for your example of living in the solution. Much love, Joanna