Celine lives on.

Ok, finally I have a chunk of time to reflect on the synchronicity of the conversation Yessie and I had during last Wednesday’s massage. For the last couple of months I have a scheduled noon, hour and a half long, massage with Yessie. We chat for a bit initially, and then I lip up and selfishly receive for the rest of the massage.

I was still on my stomach when the topic of self doubt came up. I shared how I identified the self doubt I’d had before my talk last Saturday night. When Yessie heard I talked somewhere she asked, “Are you a motivational speaker?” I told her no, I just share my experience, strength and hope in this 12 step program I belong to. Yessie followed up with, “I knew a woman who used to speak a lot in the same program. She, like you, had had a personality change. She had changed from whom she used to be to whom she had become. But one or two of her family could never see her for the incredibly wonderful woman she had become – they couldn't forget and only remembered her as she had been a very long time ago."

I found myself wondering if I knew this woman that used to speak that Yessie was referring to. I imagined she was referring to someone who lived locally here in the desert. I asked Yessie, “What is the woman’s name?” Yessie said, “Celine Th....on. But she is deceased.” I lifted my head up from the table, looked Yessie straight in the eye and excitedly said, “Celine Th....on?” Are you sure that was her last name? Are you sure her last name wasn’t Ja..s? “Well, that sounds familiar,” said Yessie.

My next set of questions came faster and louder, “Where did she live?” Yessie replied, “Oregon.” I said, “Bend, Oregon?” Yessie, even more excitedly said, “Yes, Bend, Oregon!” I said, “Oh my god. That’s my Celine, I used to sponsor her. She was my very good friend. I was up there with her when she was dying. I drove her to Oregon when she moved to Bend 7 years ago after her first husband, John, died. I went on and on. As further confirmation, I mentioned that she lived with her boyfriend Cliff. Yessie said, "Yes, yes. Cliff."

I asked Yessie how she knew Celine. Yessie said that her husband’s mother is Celine’s sister. My heart is pounding. The questions and sharing kept on. I knew for sure it was my Celine when everything Yessie had to say about Celine described the only way I’ve ever known her: polite, principled, caring and someone who spoke with heartfelt love and respect for the 12 step program she had belonged to just short of 20 years. Celine would have been 20 January 30th, 2008.

The feeling I had with the discovery that Yessie and I were talking about the same, one and only, Celine J. has made me realize that Celine may be physically gone, but she will always live on. I haven’t really lost Celine.

What makes this experience just so much sweeter is that weeks before I found out Yessie’s husband was a photographer. I had asked Yessie to ask him if her husband would be willing to go on shoots and work with me. Last Wednesday, before starting massaging me, Yessie told me that her husband, Chris would be happy to take me out to the Living Desert and work with me.

I am thrilled. I’m going to be close to Celine again. I can’t wait to spend time with her nephew, Chris the photographer!

Jane is Off the show!

Finally, I got to watch Tuesday night's recorded show. Phew. Jane is gone.

Off to hike the bump and grind hill at 5am this morning with Katie.

Later in the day I want to write about what happened during my massage yesterday.

1st Tuesday SF Meeting/No Dancing.

At 7:30 am this morning, Ray kissed me goodbye (off to his golf game), got my coffee, toasted a bagel (no milk for oatmeal), sat down at the computer and found this email in my inbox from LR:

Subject: What no comment on America answering your request?

LJ, I had thought you would be up at dawn relishing in the fact that America is reading your blog and acting on your understated request to politely ask Jane to "pack it up". Possibly, you are still watching the taping. I look forward to your public comments on this turn of events.

Have a great day.

Damn! What is LR saying in his email? Turn of events???? Sandi and I got home last night from the SF meeting at Tina's house around 11:30p.m. I thought about watching the taped recording of Dancing with the Stars then but I knew I was too tired. I wanted to savor watching my favorite show more rested.

This morning I still won't be able to watch Dancing as I have a 10am meeting I regularly attend. Following that meeting Yessie gives me the best 1.5 hour long massage, a now recurring event at noon following the meeting, then, THEN, I'll come home to watch Dancing, hopefully before Ray finishes golf and having had lunch with his buddies. Why I want to watch Dancing alone is because Ray, (I see now, much like LR), has this habit of teasing me when he knows the results of Dancing (or my other favorite - American Idol when that is on) before I do. I hate when someone tells me the results before I've seen a show I've not yet seen.

Life's a bitch, isn't it:) Just a little bird's eye view in the life of Linda.

Here are 3 quick shots of the ladies at the meeting last night.

It's Monday night.

Contestants on Dancing with the Stars Click here if you are curious.

Again, the judges do not have it in them to be honest and direct with Jane Seymour like they can be honest with the other contestants. Jane has got to go.

I actually went on the ABC.com website and registered so I could vote for Mel and Max and Helio and Julianne. You are allowed 5 votes. So I just kept voting between Mel and Helio. If I don't vote I really can't be mad at the results.

Last week on the drive into LA, in the beginning of a conversation with LR, he said, "I'm glad to see you are getting so interested in current events." I said, "What are you talking about?" He mentioned the anger and disgust I showed in last Tuesday's blog when I wrote on Sabrina's leaving Dancing with the Stars.

Why is this show so addictive? I love Monday nights and Tuesday nights. Because I get to watch the dancers and get mad at the judges. Maybe I like watching Dancing with the Stars because I can legitimately get mad. I rarely ever get mad anymore. Maybe I just miss justified anger.

Ray is going to tape tomorrow night's results show as I'll be in LA at the S.F. meeting. Will I be able to stay up and watch the show when I get home at 11:15 tomorrow night? Or will I wait until the next day and savor every minute well rested and clear headed for the next bout of justified anger, that dubious luxury or normal men!

p.s. I went outside to the back patio for a half hour with my camera just to practice. It was a waste of time. I hated all the shots I took. But just so I can have some before and after (a photo class) shots, I'm posting something from the shots I took.

Meditation on Inventory Focus: Melody Beattie

I've had the book -52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie - a long time. I just starting using her book as another daily spiritual reading. I'm on Week 1, Day 4: Inventory Focus.

Here is Day ~4~

Some problems are slow-burners. We live with them for a long time and get used to mucking about in them.

Other problems strike hard and fast, coming down on us like a hailstorm.

It can be difficult, when the storm hits, to remember that the journey is a benevolent and holy one, a process that is working with us to help us learn something new.

Inventory Focus: Are you going through a situation right now that feels torturous, like it's happening for no reason other than to irritate or punish you? Can you believe, just a little, that what you're going through right now is a valuable part of your life and that an overall benevolent process is taking place? Can you at least believe that this situation has the possibility of shaping you in valuable ways and bringing gifts to your life?

Gratefully, I am not going through a hard time right now. However a number of very special friends are going through hard times.

I'm thinking of you and hope you know how much I love you.



5pm sunset tonight.

Fear of speaking

I am speaking tonight, locally (which translates to speaking/failing in front of friends).

I wrote my friend LR about how I was feeling insecure about sharing tonight. I'm remembering the dead room of people I spoke to a couple of weeks ago, where I felt the lack of their response during my talk was because I was so boring. Probably not true (that I was boring), but it's my nature to be dependent on everyone's response to determine how I'm doing.

LR wrote back:

LJ,

I hope it goes well tonight. You have much more experience speaking than I, so my experience, strength and hope will be small.........but I always ask who has less than a year then I speak to them with a lot of eye contact. I do this for the incredibly selfish reason of not feeling less than in front of the remainder of the crowd. It works for me....does not make my talk any better or worse, but it makes me feel better afterwards. I also look around the room for the person that is like you and me...the ones that are aware of what its like up there and have that supportive smile or nodding head of identification. Those are the ones I focus on to make me feel good about me, and I thank them afterwards and recognize their assistance. It gives me something else to focus upon. The unresponsive, judgmental people do not get a whole lot of eye contact.

Of course, you could always go "commando"....then you could have that small "I've got a secret" smile going on.

I'll be thinking of you this evening....support from afar.

Love,

LR

I like LR's feedback.

I'm waiting for the response to my clarification of what going "commando" is?

LR in Zion National Park

Professional Photographer's photos of our home.

Taylor Sherrill took these photos of our master bedroom and living room.

What a difference between the shot I took of our living room and posted on Tuesday, Oct 30th and these professional shots.

Sherrill & Associates Inc.
Cathedral City, CA 92234-7255

Our home designer, Roberta Clark, will run these two photos in both the Palm Desert (92260 Magazine) and La Quinta (L.Q. Magazine) magazines which are inserts placed in our local newspaper the Desert Sun the 2nd week of every month. These home photos (without our names and address listed) will be displayed in the Nov and Dec 07 magazine issues.